The Mullet Of Madness

Donnie Baker’s First Interview

 Written by J.T. Ryder

Donnie Baker ThumbnailEveryone knows Donnie Baker…or knows someone who is exactly like him. The first time my oldest son heard Donnie call in to the Bob & Tom Show, he yelled out, “Oh my God! It’s Uncle Brian!” I assured him that it wasn’t, but he had openly spoken the words that I had secretly thought to myself many times before. Taking my son to The Canadian Mist Bob & Tom Comedy All-Stars Tour did little to dissuade him from his belief that, even if Donnie wasn’t Uncle Brian himself, he must be a close relative to him.

Donnie’s career has been meteoric. From the occasional phone call into the Bob & Tom Show in a futile attempt to sell his boat two years ago to today, where throngs of rabid fans wearing “Shut-Up Randy!” t-shirts wait outside of arenas repeating Donnie’s trash-talking catchphrases, his popularity has grown by leaps and bounds. Donnie is the embodiment of that mullet-wearing motor-head that we went to high school with who was forever occupying the seat outside the principal’s office for making morally questionable (and possibly illegal) projects in shop class. He is that fast-talking, incredibly loud, beer fueled bull sh***er that, while some were repelled, many were drawn into the manic ranting of this trailer park teller of tales. Donnie is that guy whose life is a mixture of misfortune and myth, a small town boy with a big city ego who wants the world. Well, now he’s got it. I swear to God he does.

J.T.: What High School did you attend?
Donnie: Look it up!  Or just check out the trophy case at Discount Karate.  I don’t want to come out and say it because I’m still a primary suspect in robbing our bookstore back in ’87.”

J.T.: What were your teenage years like?
Donnie: Nothing but sack lunches in juvie.  To this day I still get the willies when I smell peanut butter or see someone cut up an apple.

J.T.: Did you participate in organized sports?
Donnie: I wrestled for almost three summers and even competed in two weight classes higher than mine before some of the parents complained about how I looked in tights.  And my little league coach held me back even though I had the best knuckle curve in the county.  We got it on tape.

Donnie Baker - 8-21-10 004J.T.: It is rumored that you are quite the athlete within the Martial Arts community.
Donnie: It ain’t a rumor if you got the trophies to prove it.  Before I had Tommy Johns surgery on my left knee I was probably the most dangerous black belt I knew of.  And I’m proud of what I’ve done in the martial arts.  Hell, one summer I scissor kicked a circus bear at Boonies Bar to help raise over $200 dollars to prevent cruelty to animals.

J.T.: Who were your heroes growing up?
Donnie: Dick the Bruiser, Razor Shines and my Uncle Sonny who taught me how to use a satellite dish as a deer stand.  Those guys are legends.

J.T.: Who are your inspirations?
Donnie: David Coveradales from Whitesnake.  The old judge in Court 7, and whoever invented Zubaz.

J.T.: I have heard that you have a boat for sale.
Donnie: I do have a boat for sale.  Call my pager.  My ads right below the last massage parlor ad under “Encounters”.

Donnie BakerJ.T.: What is your ultimate goal in life?
Donnie: Sell my boat.  Then buy a bigger boat.  And maybe go to bartending school because they get more snow days than any school I know of.

J.T.: Prior to your latest career, what type of “real” jobs did you have?
Donnie: Counter hop at Mr. D’s meat shop in Southport, Deejay at Beech Grove Roller Dome and skate patrol director at the Roller Cave for almost three summers.

J.T.: Do you have any other talents?
Donnie: Ask Patti Fergusons or Angel Skinner.  I swear to god you should!

J.T.: In a rare moment of relaxation, what type of reading material do you reach for?
Donnie: Pretty much whatever I can steal from the waiting room at Jiffy Lube.  Anything with pictures of hot rods, boats and babes.  That and all the massage parlor ads in the back of NUVO.

Originally published in NUVO on March 21, 2008

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