Auggie Smith and the Wayward Masses
Written by J.T. Ryder
To the uninitiated, (or “non-believers” as they are commonly called by The Auggites) Auggie Smith is the founder and Grand Pubah for Life of what has come to be known as The First Church of Augiology. While not technically a religion, at least not in the fully tax exempt definition narrowly portrayed in the IRS’s Draconian codes, the movement of Augism is gaining momentum in this country, as well as other, more backwards countries who really don’t know any better. With the recent release of his new DVD and CD, Cult Following, more of the weary and downtrodden will quickly become zealous converts.
Smith was born. This we know to be true. Everything after that is rather suspect and apocryphal. Being a rather shy individual throughout his youth, Auggie attained the rank of presidency of the speech team and cleaned the bathrooms at his school, making his vows of chastity almost unavoidable.
“You can imagine how the girls just flocked to that – president of the speech team!” Auggie says in Duderonomy 4:16. “’Wow, look at that!’ All girls care about at that age is a guy who can conjugate a verb.”
He remained chaste until the age of eighteen, succumbing to the lure of the flesh and Auggie found it to be good. He began his journey into the world, preaching his message for the masses, never gaining the attention he so richly deserved. After many disheartening years, Auggie considered renouncing his calling and wandering the earth like Al Gore, broken and dispirited. As destiny would have it, he met two like minded individuals; Apostle Bob and Saint Tom. They gave Auggie the inspiration and hope to preach his sermons on their quaint morning show. Thus the cult of Auggie was born.
After years of spreading the gospel on XM and Sirius satellite radio, after performing miracles at countless comedy clubs throughout the nation by turning dollars into wine and even after he died one night on stage in Butztown, Pennsylvania, only to rise three days later in a defiled motel room, hung over, Auggie is ready to be your personal pathfinder. He has sacrificed his life to be your personal sherpa, guiding you through the pitfalls and the pain, making you forget, at least for an hour or so, that the world is a festering cesspool of rampant self-interest.
This messianic messenger of mirth is bringing his traveling revival show to a stage somewhere near you, to spread the one true gospel. What should one expect when entering Auggie’s church? The faithful will be blessed with a bellicose dose of reality, delivered in a breathless, rapid-fire rant, shining a stark light on the futile efforts of man. From the current political scene to Barbie being raw dogged by G.I. Joe as he has a ‘Nam flashback, nothing is sacred in this sanctuary. The pervasive daily fears we all surrender to will be lifted to reveal the true evildoers behind senior citizen NASCAR drivers, voracious vending machines and drunken pink bunnies.
“Really brother, wouldn’t it just be easier to stay home and not have to interact with any live people?” Aug asks. “I SAY NO! The fear ends now. The only way to win is to not be afraid, or to paraphrase a Stallone classic, ‘fear is the disease, Aug is the cure.’”
Why should you be a follower of Auggie Smith? Why should you become part of the “Cult Following”? Humbly witness all that Auggie has sacrificed for us: his wasted teenage years scrubbing bathroom stalls while we were partying and getting laid. His ongoing pursuit to ingest every street corner pharmaceutical product, keeping them out of our reach so that we won’t cause harm unto ourselves as well as his ever vigilante watch over all the bars and pubs across this great land of ours, safeguarding them until they are safely closed. These things he does for us…selflessly! He truly cares about our well being and tries to convey this clearly during his sermons. He forces you to see the inequities in the lives we witness as well as the ones we live. His inescapable diatribes hammer home the absurdities we all see in everyday life, yet are afraid to comment on. He speaks while we are silent. Well, to tell the truth, he speaks while we’re talking as well, but nobody’s perfect.
Just reflect for a moment on this truism that he has shared with us;
“Your bunny may be your relationship or your job, but at one time, you tried to give your bunny a bear hug and things got out of hand.”
How can one argue with this incontrovertible truth? How?
Watch the DVD. Listen to the CD. Catch him on The Bob and Tom Show, or better yet, witness the man in person when he comes to town. If you’re not completely satisfied…well, you’ll still be out the money for the DVD, CD and the tickets, but hey, doesn’t it just make you feel warm inside knowing you helped a potentially sober comedian attain a higher level of consciousness via many, many Jägerbombs?
(This article was originally published in the Dayton City Paper on May 14, 2010)